You know when you have everyone going against something you want? Something you think is worth it? What do you do? Do you back down or try and hide it? Well I never have. There was this one issue in my life that 99% of the people I talk to and live with on a daily basis told me was a complete and utter waste of time. They told me I was out of my mind, it was stupid, it was going to do no good to anyone, I was investing time, energy and feeling into something that couldn't last. That was almost two years ago. To this day, those 99% of people kept insisting these same points; it was bad, it was a waste and I was being stubborn, stupid and some other s-word implying a lack of common sense. And yet, there I was, two months ago, still there. Still fighting for what I thought was worth it.
But finally, I caved. There was a breaking point; something a certain person said to me, a question implanted in my mind that I needed to answer alone, without any external influences. What are you really holding on to?
So I backed away (because this issue I'm referring to was a relationship with someone I loved dearly and who loved me very much) and asked myself that question over and over again. Was I holding on to a memory of something that didn't exist? Was I holding onto the idea of a perfect love that had no foundation? Or was I holding on to something that was really there, really worth it, worth the wait, worth the sacrifice, worth the fight?
I came to the conclusion that yes. It really was. Not it, he. He was worth it.
So I started making plans. Plans he knew nothing of and will never know of again, because in these past two months I've realised a few things, pondered some things and am very freaking pissed off.
I have my flaws. Serious flaws. I can be hysterical, I have mood swings and yes, I hate mushrooms and coca cola (as well as pepsi). But when I say that I love someone I mean it. I got an e-mail yesterday confirming something I was waiting for to be able to uproot my whole life and move far from where I live to be with this person. I was so excited. Up until now I haven't been able to physically move myself to be with him due to a complete and utter lack of interest or support from the main branch of my family. Yet it's not a minor issue. Changing college, changing cities, leaving behind and entire life (friends, family, dog
♥) so I sat down and reflected. Really reflected.
I'm not going to post the details of the facts I went over, but basically right now I don't even know if he still loves me. I've known him for almost three years and right now I couldn't tell you what his hair looks like. Whether he's pierced his nose or lip or had an operation or what movies he's seen lately or what band he's heard lately that he loved. I've always been able to tell. From two lines of conversation, I would know if he was smiling or not, I knew that he talked to me because he loved me, missed me and wanted to know how I was doing. Now I don't know if he talks to me from inertia or because there is something about me he still likes.
I love him. I really, truly do. But he's not worth that anymore. I'll support him, help him, advise him, laugh with and/or at him, I'm going to be there for him, and as of next year I'll probably be able to visit him (I say probably because I don't know if he'd want that) but I'm going to keep my emotions to myself. I answered the e-mail 20 minutes ago, basically saying thanks but no thanks. I turned down a job, an apartment and a college in one stroke. I've decided I'm still going to be here for him but I'm not going to risk everything for him right now.
I can't leave everything behind for something I'm not even sure of anymore, can I?
I'm fine now, I really am. I don't need to be in a relationship and I don't want to be. Honestly, if it's not him then I have no interest (:
Ciao
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