Replacing delusions with reality...finally.

Bueno, como bien puse en mi estado de facebook, "sale entrada de blog"...

"No man is happy without a delusion of some kind.

Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities".

Bovee

This may be true, but what if your delusions outnumber your realities?

(what if your delusions are as numerous as gummy bears?)

What if you're living a dream, living towards trying to make things come true that never will? At what point should you say "stop"? There are people I have met, promises I have made, most of which I have been true to, waiting, hoping, wishing, dreaming...

But there are issues that I cannot overcome. Limitations which are beyond me, which are defined by my environment and by the situation I am in (basically location and age). The most important issue I cannot overcome, is a change of heart. When something happens that makes someone change their mind or their manner or even their feelings. I'm finding that that is happening with a few people in my life. Three or four. And not in every case am I the one suffering from these delusions.

In some cases, I am viewed as the delusion. For there are things I cannot give, no matter how much I want to. That's the most awfully helpless feeling; wanting willing and desperate to give something you're not able to. Yet for the most part, the delusion is provided by the other side; meetings that are never kept, promises to do this and that yet the time for action never comes, promises of all kinds of things, on intellectual and emotional levels, yet they remain as what they are; delusions.

Up until now I have been quite content to live in these delusions, because they have never been things I could really picture in real life. Thing is, though, you can only live with these delusions for so long...

Lately I have had time and reason to put things into perspective; the exams, deadlines and matriculación from school & university have been driving me to the point in which I'm so stressed I can't sleep (hence the 2am writing in my blog thing). And in these hours of restlessness, I fill them with thoughts and plans. I've been thinking about these illusions, these delusions, and I'm tired of them. I am tired of living a "What if" a "Some day" a "Soon..." I don't want everything now, but I want NOW. I want what I can have, I want what is feasible.

From someone who supposedly wants me in the future, I want them to at least be somewhat present now. From a friend who says it's easier to not talk because they live far away, I say screw it. You're coming back in a couple of months; at least have the decency to act like you still give a damn. From people encouraging me to sneak out and escape from home I want patience and "relaxed" outings. Give me exactly 5 months to turn 18 and then we can go and "romperla" but until then stop filling my head with these images and imaginations and give me nights out to the cinema or a sleepover. Don't give me delusions. From those that send me mixed signals; get your freaking head sorted out and let me know where the hell I stand. There is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand. And no, I didn't forget to turn the light on, you're just being a confusing and muddling person (to not say something more colourful) and it's getting on my nerves.

I try not to give these delusions; I'm clear with what I want (when I actually know what the heck that is, which does take a while sometimes). I'm clear with what I can and cannot do. I try not to zone out (although it happens more often than it should) and when it does I say sorry a million times. Most of all, I care and I freaking show it. It's not a delusion, it's a reality. One that's supposed to be part of your happiness.

There are times I wish...well, I wish a lot of things actually, but I'm through with that. If I want it I'm just going to get up and get it or die trying. 'Scuse my french, but fuck this shit.
Ciao★

If you could time travel, where would you go?

i wouldn't. it defeats the purpose of life, of mortality, of "you only live once". if i were to travel back i'd try and correct something, if i travelled forward i'd find out something and try to prevent it or be reassured it would happen and therefore not have the initiative to do it later. time travel is another example of man trying to surpass himself and reach for something we have no right and no full conciousness of having; we can't even understand time and yet we want to manipulate it? how about we first concentrate on actually USING the remaining 90% of our OWN brains rather than go messing around with something outside of us, huh? (:

no preguntes si no estás preparado para la respuesta e.e

you think you know what i see through these eyes? you think you know what i think? what i feel...?

so, generally when i sit down to write an entry, i know what i want to convey, i have a message i want to get across. not this time :D i'm just going to write and see what happens until i stop. as soon as i stop, i end the entry. if something or someone distracts me i'll conclude immediately, because i don't want to have time to plan or to reflect or correct or ANYTHING. the only thing i'm going to do is publish this:
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150739380190167
it's a note i wrote last night, after a friend of mine showed me, once again, how incredibly awesome he is and how just a few of the right words can really change everything almost immediately. unfortunately, if you want to read it, you're going to have to have me as a friend...
a word about that; if you're going to add someone on facebook and they have no clue as to who you are, at least have the decency of writing them an inbox saying "hey, i saw you *insert place/site/friend in common's wall/name of picture/etc. here* and thought it would be cool to add you, how you doing? (: " and yes. the smile would be great ;D i currently have 17 solicitations on hold because i haven't the foggiest idea as to who the majority of them are :D
anyway, i'm not going to write much because, as there is no editing, it means there's no pictures and it just sucks to have to read a big block of text, but basically i am sick and tired of people assuming they know what's right and wrong, what path someone's supposed to take, and especially people assuming "oh, if i do *insert action here* it'll be no problem, as if she'll care!" what the heck do you know what'll affect me and what won't? people, me in particular, have their particularities (repetition, not good, but i promised no editing D: ) and there are things which, for you, may mean absolutely nothing but for someone else could mean the world. for instance, there is one thing that definitely drives me insane; when someone says they'll call you and they don't. if you don't want to call or if you think you won't then freaking say so already. i don't have a cellphone right now, so if you say you're going to call, i have to find one of the home phones that doesn't have a depleted battery and stick by it until you call which, in theory, you're going to do. there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for something that doesn't happen. but then, after that, there's no explanation, there's no "oh i'm so sorry, i forgot!" which, believe me, i get. i am one of the WORST people for deadlines and remembering things etc. so if you forget, no problem, but let me know that you give a damn.
feel like singing to this song (No voy en tren, voy en avión by: Charly García) so, signing off now :D
Ciao★

Home sweet home...

It's so nice to be home. Fuck that picture, it's a lot to me. I've always travelled a lot, I've lived in my fair share of places, and it's the first time I've ever felt like I have a home. I lived 6 years in a house that wasn't ours (it was rented) but not even after all those years did it feel like home; I don't miss it. Now that I live in MY country and now that I live in a house that is ours, it's really home. I don't have to worry about packing to move, I'm completely 100% established in MY room with MY things (egotistical entry so far, I must say) but no, seriously. It's nice to be H O M E ♥
I'm in school now, but I'll download more entries asap.
Ciao (:

So, last day in San Francisco and who should I happen to see? Oh, just a friend I used Togo to school with 7 and half years ago o.o it's bizarre meeting up with her again cause I adore her just as much as I used to and I feel like those stories my dad always tells me (the ones in which he reminisces about his old schoolmates and how he met up with them despite the twists and turns of life etc etc etc ) are actually happening to me! Jeez I feel old..."yeah I feel old too even though I look about 3 but that's ok" ajajaja she is one of the cutest girls I know. She looks like a freaking Miyazagi character and even acts like it without noticing it (L) I'm going to see if I can download a picture now...

Flying home now, can't wait to be home, see my dog my friends and especially one friend who I love to the moon and back who is leaving for 6 months :_ I'll miss you sweetheart