"No man is happy without a delusion of some kind.
Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities".
Bovee
But there are issues that I cannot overcome. Limitations which are beyond me, which are defined by my environment and by the situation I am in (basically location and age). The most important issue I cannot overcome, is a change of heart. When something happens that makes someone change their mind or their manner or even their feelings. I'm finding that that is happening with a few people in my life. Three or four. And not in every case am I the one suffering from these delusions.
In some cases, I am viewed as the delusion. For there are things I cannot give, no matter how much I want to. That's the most awfully helpless feeling; wanting willing and desperate to give something you're not able to. Yet for the most part, the delusion is provided by the other side; meetings that are never kept, promises to do this and that yet the time for action never comes, promises of all kinds of things, on intellectual and emotional levels, yet they remain as what they are; delusions.
Up until now I have been quite content to live in these delusions, because they have never been things I could really picture in real life. Thing is, though, you can only live with these delusions for so long...
Lately I have had time and reason to put things into perspective; the exams, deadlines and matriculación from school & university have been driving me to the point in which I'm so stressed I can't sleep (hence the 2am writing in my blog thing). And in these hours of restlessness, I fill them with thoughts and plans. I've been thinking about these illusions, these delusions, and I'm tired of them. I am tired of living a "What if" a "Some day" a "Soon..." I don't want everything now, but I want NOW. I want what I can have, I want what is feasible.
From someone who supposedly wants me in the future, I want them to at least be somewhat present now. From a friend who says it's easier to not talk because they live far away, I say screw it. You're coming back in a couple of months; at least have the decency to act like you still give a damn. From people encouraging me to sneak out and escape from home I want patience and "relaxed" outings. Give me exactly 5 months to turn 18 and then we can go and "romperla" but until then stop filling my head with these images and imaginations and give me nights out to the cinema or a sleepover. Don't give me delusions. From those that send me mixed signals; get your freaking head sorted out and let me know where the hell I stand. There is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand. And no, I didn't forget to turn the light on, you're just being a confusing and muddling person (to not say something more colourful) and it's getting on my nerves.
I try not to give these delusions; I'm clear with what I want (when I actually know what the heck that is, which does take a while sometimes). I'm clear with what I can and cannot do. I try not to zone out (although it happens more often than it should) and when it does I say sorry a million times. Most of all, I care and I freaking show it. It's not a delusion, it's a reality. One that's supposed to be part of your happiness.
There are times I wish...well, I wish a lot of things actually, but I'm through with that. If I want it I'm just going to get up and get it or die trying. 'Scuse my french, but fuck this shit.
Ciao★
This may be true, but what if your delusions outnumber your realities?
(what if your delusions are as numerous as gummy bears?)
What if you're living a dream, living towards trying to make things come true that never will? At what point should you say "stop"? There are people I have met, promises I have made, most of which I have been true to, waiting, hoping, wishing, dreaming...
But there are issues that I cannot overcome. Limitations which are beyond me, which are defined by my environment and by the situation I am in (basically location and age). The most important issue I cannot overcome, is a change of heart. When something happens that makes someone change their mind or their manner or even their feelings. I'm finding that that is happening with a few people in my life. Three or four. And not in every case am I the one suffering from these delusions.In some cases, I am viewed as the delusion. For there are things I cannot give, no matter how much I want to. That's the most awfully helpless feeling; wanting willing and desperate to give something you're not able to. Yet for the most part, the delusion is provided by the other side; meetings that are never kept, promises to do this and that yet the time for action never comes, promises of all kinds of things, on intellectual and emotional levels, yet they remain as what they are; delusions.
Up until now I have been quite content to live in these delusions, because they have never been things I could really picture in real life. Thing is, though, you can only live with these delusions for so long...
From someone who supposedly wants me in the future, I want them to at least be somewhat present now. From a friend who says it's easier to not talk because they live far away, I say screw it. You're coming back in a couple of months; at least have the decency to act like you still give a damn. From people encouraging me to sneak out and escape from home I want patience and "relaxed" outings. Give me exactly 5 months to turn 18 and then we can go and "romperla" but until then stop filling my head with these images and imaginations and give me nights out to the cinema or a sleepover. Don't give me delusions. From those that send me mixed signals; get your freaking head sorted out and let me know where the hell I stand. There is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand. And no, I didn't forget to turn the light on, you're just being a confusing and muddling person (to not say something more colourful) and it's getting on my nerves.
I try not to give these delusions; I'm clear with what I want (when I actually know what the heck that is, which does take a while sometimes). I'm clear with what I can and cannot do. I try not to zone out (although it happens more often than it should) and when it does I say sorry a million times. Most of all, I care and I freaking show it. It's not a delusion, it's a reality. One that's supposed to be part of your happiness.
Ciao★
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